The Cake Is A Lie!!!!

"This was a Triumph,

I'm making a note here,

Huge success,

It's hard to overstate my satisfaction"

Well this game truly was a triumph and I am making a note here- Portal was a huge success! My satisfaction of this game cannot be overstated enough! This is one of my top games and it's sequel is one of my favourite games of all time, just falling beneath 'Final Fantasy 7' and the 'Monkey Island' series. Honestly I love this game and would play it again and again and again! 

"Aperture Science,

We do what we must,

Because we can,

for the good of all of us,

except the ones who are dead"

So here we are! The Aperture Science Enrichment Center where the game is set. Our heroine, Chell, wakes up here in a square room. Soon the door opens and you enter the testing facility. Aperture Science was founded by Cave Johnson in the 1940's and specialized in the production of shower curtains. Sounds awesome right? Well it turned out to be a great venture and after much success the focus turned to actual science. Testing began on Olympians, Astronauts and more with the company creating repulsion gel but most importantly portal technology. However when testing moon rocks Cave became poisoned and died. The company was already in financial ruin and this didn't help.

"But there's no sense crying over every mistake,

You just keep on trying till you run out of cake,

And the science gets done,

And you make a neat gun,

For the people who are still alive."

You will make many mistakes. The game sees you attempting to pass test chambers in Aperture Laboratories armed with a portal gun that was created by Aperture. Early puzzles are quite logical, just creating a portal to get to one place from another. Also you can throw cubes through portals to activate switches. Along your travels you will come across the companion cube which you can take with you on your journey! What a bond you create together! Love the companion cube because the companion cube loves you! You don't have to travel alone. The best thing though is that you are promised cake when you finish all the testing! Yay! How nice is the A.I that leads us on this journey?

"I'm not even angry,

I'm being so sincere right now,

Even though you broke my heart,

And killed me.

And tore me to pieces.

And threw every piece into a fire."

Ok so it turns out that the A.I is not quite so nice after all. Her name is GLaDOS and she is in control of the facility and is brilliantly voiced by Ellen Mclain may I add! She promises us that there will be cake. However she is very sarcastic and sinister. In fact GLaDOS is one of my favourite ever villains. She is hilarious and often throws insults at you. Along the way you come across messages in hidden dens by past testers that read 'the cake is a lie!!!' What does it all mean? Will there actually be cake? Well the answer is 'no' as GLaDOS attempts to burn you to ashes in the last test chamber. So you attempt to escape and end up confronting her at the end. You can guess how that turns out if you read the above verse. The cake! The cake! Evil!

"As they burned it hurt because,

I was so happy for you!

Now these points of data make a beautiful line,

And we're out of beta,

We're releasing on time,

So I'm GLaD I got burned,

Think of all the things we learned,

For the people who are still alive."

I'm pretty sure GLaDOS is being sarcastic again as I wouldn't be happy if you burnt me. Yes she is the one singing this song to you after the end credits if you didn't know what these verses were. Speaking of the people who are still alive, well, there aren't many. When Cave Johnson was dying he placed the conscience of his assistant Caroline into GLaDOS who then went on to take over Aperture and flooded the center with a poison that killed most of the scientists. She then continued testing on human subjects. Not a great move Mr. Johnson! Along the way you also face off against turrets that will detect you with laser beams and proceed to shoot you promptly. They also have their own voices and will protest if you pick them up or manhandle them in anyway.

"Go ahead and leave me,

I think I prefer to stay inside.

Maybe you'll find someone else to help you,

Maybe Black Mesa.

That was a joke.

Haha. Fat chance."

Black Mesa is another research facility that deals in scientific research and appears in Half-Life. Due to an experiment that goes wrong, multiple portals spread worldwide that alien races enter through. The Combine as they are called destroy Black Mesa hence GLaDOS' sarcasm once more. The only person you can rely on is yourself.

"Anyway this cake is great,

It's so delicious and moist."

The cake is a lie! Enough with the cake already!

  "Look at me still talking when there's science to do,

When I look out there it makes me GLaD I'm not you,

I've experiments to run,

There is research to be done,

On the people who are still alive,

And believe me I am still alive,

I'm doing science and I'm still alive,

I feel fantastic and I'm still alive,

While you're dying I'll be still alive,

And When you're dead I'll be still alive,

Still alive,

Still alive...

Well if you didn't guess GLaDOS is still alive hence they make a sequel where you face off against her all over again which is one of the most awesome games ever and features a lot more to the testing chambers than the original. 

However for now let's just take a moment to think about that cake. The cake that was promised to us. The cake that never was. The cake that will never be eaten. The cake that could have been so delicious and moist...GRRRR GLaDOS!

Here is the ever so popular GLaDOS song: